Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
