stop calling my apartment porn island.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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