TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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