You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
