I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
