the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
