Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
