There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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