my phone needs a breathalizer
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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