It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
