dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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