who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
