i permit you to call me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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