I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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