I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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