Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
