You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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