please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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