I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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