i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can you bring me the toilet please
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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