Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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