I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Let's paint friendship bongs
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
