Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
