what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
