Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
