You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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