Old men and throwing up are my life now.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
