You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
