i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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