i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
you had me at cake vodka
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
false alarm, still single
Randomize
