my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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