"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
