I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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