I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
