you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
