let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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