Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
