so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
where does the pee come out of this thing
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
