Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
