my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
