My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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