So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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