listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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