I didn't shave. On purpose
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
