3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
