they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
