I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
