So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
