so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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