You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
