Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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